


I'm Not Ok

by Attenia



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Out of Character Legolas Greenleaf, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:53:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24361633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Attenia/pseuds/Attenia
Summary: Something terrible happens to Legolas, but he tells no one. His resolve to keep his secret wavers when Aragorn arrives Greenwood. OOC Legolas. Trigger warnings for past rape and panic attacks.
Relationships: Aragorn | Estel/Legolas Greenleaf
Comments: 1
Kudos: 111





	I'm Not Ok

Legolas started at the knock on the door. “Just a minute.” He hastily wiped his eyes and dragged himself out of bed. A quick check of his reflection showed that his face hadn’t betrayed him; there was no sign of his tears.   
“Yes?” He pulled the door open to find one of the palace guards.   
“Hir nin, you asked to be notified of the arrival of –”  
“Estel?” Legolas grabbed the guard’s shoulders. “He’s here?”   
“He is,” the guard confirmed.   
Legolas didn’t know whether to shout in joy or collapse in relief. Instead, he simply said, “Thank you.”  
He dashed through the palace, not bothering to slow himself to a more princely pace. Estel was here. Thank the Valar.   
Estel was just coming into the courtyard. He dismounted and handed his horse off to one of the stable hands, but his eyes were on Legolas the whole time.   
Legolas headed toward him at a dead sprint.   
“Legolas!”  
Estel held out his arms, and Legolas ran eagerly into them, needing the comfort more than Estel could possibly know.   
“It has been too long, meleth nin.” Estel waited for Legolas to say something, but Legolas had a lump in his throat and couldn’t speak. He clutched Estel so tightly that he worried about hurting the human, but Estel didn’t complain. “What’s wrong, meleth nin? You’re trembling.”  
Shit. He’d been so busy anticipating Estel’s arrival that he hadn’t spent any time thinking about the danger it posed. Estel knew Legolas better than anyone. Legolas had never been able to hide anything from his beloved.   
I’m not ok. I’m not ok. Help me. Help me, Estel. The words tried to burst from his lips, but Legolas viciously battled them back.  
“I – I’m merely glad to see you.” Legolas couldn’t tell Estel what had happened to him. Just the thought of it nearly overwhelmed him with shame. If Estel ever found out…  
Estel held him at arm’s length, looking at him with the critical gaze of a healer. “Are you well, Legolas?”  
“I’m fine, Estel. Come, let’s go to my chambers.”  
When they got to Legolas’ rooms, Estel tossed his pack on the bedroom floor and rolled onto the bed, holding out his arms again in an irresistible invitation. Legolas crawled into their shelter, trying to hold back tears. He couldn’t just spend hours crying in his chambers anymore, not now that Estel was here. He’d never keep the secret if he did.   
Estel brushed a light kiss over Legolas’ lips. The prince did his best not to flinch, but by Estel’s confused frown, he didn’t think he’d done a good job at it. He sought to ward off any questions with queries of his own. “How have you been? How are things at Imladris?”  
“The same as usual. You known Ada and the twins – they way they fuss over me, you’d think I was still an elfling.”  
“You were never an elfling, you filthy human.”  
Estel rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. How about you?”  
“I’ve been good,” Legolas said quickly. Too quickly. Estel’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. Legolas pressed his lips together, trying to figure out how to fix his blunder.  
Estel just looked at him. Legolas refused to meet his gaze. “Legolas –”  
Estel hesitated, visibly checking himself. He knew by now that pushing Legolas to reveal something only had the opposite effect. “I love you.”  
“I love you too, meleth nin.” Legolas breathed in Estel’s scent, letting it calm him. Estel’s tactic was working. The silence was safe and comforting, and longed to be filled by the prince’s confession. He couldn’t, though. Legolas had never kept a secret from Estel for long, but this one, he intended to take to his grave.   
Legolas forced his dark throughs aside. “You must be hungry. Shall we see what the kitchens have prepared for lunch?” The last thing he wanted to do was leave Estel’s embrace, but if he was here much longer, his shameful secret would come spilling out.   
They spent the afternoon together. Legolas did everything he could to convince Estel that he was ok. He was overjoyed – not to mention relieved – to see his beloved again. That, at least, he didn’t have to fake.   
Still, Legolas could tell that Estel knew something was wrong. He gave Legolas his space, but that wouldn’t last forever.   
The traitorous words seemed jammed in Legolas’ throat, making it hard to breathe, let alone speak. I’m not ok. Help me, please help me.   
He did his best to talk and laugh with Estel, and there were indeed moments when he forgot, but there were far more moments when every sordid detail stood out in his mind as if it had happened yesterday.   
As they lay down to sleep that night, Legolas’ usual worry over the coming hours was somewhat diminished. Surely, it would be easier with Estel here. Surely, the nightmares would stay away.  
Apparently, his nightmares did not intend to cooperate. Legolas woke up with a start, sitting upright in bed. It was dark, and Estel was asleep beside him. The memory of the hands on him, of the helpless pain, was overwhelming. The air was thin and rapidly disappearing. Legolas knew he had to get out of here, or Estel would find out. He hurried to the bathroom.  
He sank down to the floor, gasping for breath. He knew that it would pass, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying.   
Perhaps he was too loud, or perhaps Estel simply had a sixth sense that told him when his lover was in distress. The sound of bed covers being thrown back was all the warning Legolas got. Suddenly, Estel was there, trying to pull him into an embrace. In his panicked state, Legolas cried out and lunged away. Estel moved back, bewildered.   
“Just breathe, meleth nin. It will ease up. Try to breathe slowly.”  
Legolas knew that, of course. He struggled to follow Estel’s instructions. Panic raged within him, but he focused his eyes on Estel, reminding himself that he was safe. With Estel coaching his breathing, it passed much quicker than usual.   
Estel sat on the floor opposite him. “Are you ok, meleth nin?”  
Legolas stared pleadingly at him. No, I’m not ok. I’m not ok. Please, help me, help me. Of course, he couldn’t say that. “I’m fine, Estel.”  
Estel knew that was a lie, but he was gracious enough not to point it out. He knew that pushing Legolas would only make the prince retreat further into himself. He held out his hand. “Come to bed?”  
Legolas let himself be led back to bed, and gratefully snuggled close to Estel. He felt safe with his beloved near.   
“Legolas… I know something is wrong. I realize you don’t want to tell me, but when you need me, I’ll be here.”  
Legolas couldn’t find words. He could only nod. Help me, help me, I’m not ok. He bit his tongue, determined to keep the words in.   
The next day started off well… until Legolas passed one of the maids who was wearing tunic exactly the same color as his had been.   
Pressing a hand to his mouth, Legolas made a dash for his chambers. Of course, Estel followed him.  
“Leave me alone, Estel!” The last thing he wanted was to hurt Estel’s feelings, but Legolas couldn’t let Estel see him like this.  
The stupid, stubborn human didn’t listen, following him into his chambers.  
Legolas threw himself onto the bed, pulling the covers over his head. Sobs wracked his body. He squeezed his eyes shut, begging the memories to fade, but they only seemed to become more vivid.   
Estel crawled under with him. He didn’t ask any questions, simple pulled Legolas close.   
Legolas lost track of how long he cried desperately into his lover’s shoulder. Estel murmured soft words of comfort, rocking him slightly.   
When Legolas finally calmed, Estel didn’t ask what had happened, and Legolas was grateful. The words were still fighting to get free, and he feared that any further questioning from Estel would loosen them fatally, allowing them to come forth.   
The next day was better. As he spent time with his lover, Legolas could feel himself slowly healing in Estel’s presence. The memories were easier to keep at bay. Surely, he was past the worst now that his beloved was here. He would never need to tell Estel, and that thought brought him much relief.   
Estel hadn’t touched him beyond to give comfort since he’d arrived. The man was too perceptive for his own good. Legolas wanted more than anything to get over what had happened. He couldn’t truly do that until he broke himself of this fear.   
He decided to take the initiative.  
They were lounging in bed after lunch. Legolas rolled over so that he was pressed up against Estel. The man smiled at him, a smile that turned into a noise of surprise when Legolas started kissing him. As always, his lover’s touch ignited him. It was a feeling he’d missed while Estel had been at Imladris and he’d been stuck here at Greenwood palace.  
Estel made a noise in the back of his throat and deepened the kiss. As the human started kissing his ears and neck, the memories hit.   
Legolas remembered hands on him that had been far from gentle. He tried to tell himself that his was Estel, but his mind bombarded him with the memories that he’d tried so hard to forget.   
Estel hadn’t yet noticed Legolas’ preoccupation, and the elf frantically tried to get his mind under control before that happened. Estel moved to pull the prince’s pants down.  
Legolas started crying. He tried to hold still. He had to do this. He had to get over it.   
Of course, Estel noticed. “Legolas? Meleth nin, what is it?”  
I’m not ok. Please help me.  
Legolas wailed wordlessly and fell into Estel’s arms. Estel hushed him gently, but the memories wouldn’t fade. “I can’t – Estel – I can’t –”  
“Please, Legolas, you must tell me what is wrong. I can’t help you if you won’t tell me.”  
The words finally burst from Legolas’ lips. “I’m not ok. Help me, please help me…”  
Estel pulled Legolas’ head to his shoulder, holding him tightly. It felt to Legolas that Estel was the only thing holding him together as he splintered apart from within.  
When he spoke, his tone was kind, but firm. “Meleth nin, tell me what is wrong.”  
Legolas didn’t know where to start. Estel rocked him until he was at least breathing normally and able to talk. Legolas had never been so terrified in his life, except for one instance, but he knew he had to tell Estel.  
“I… I slipped my guards. I wanted to go to Lake Town without being trailed by a dozen Greenwood warriors. Some humans attacked me – took me by surprise…”  
“What happened?” Estel asked softly.   
“They – they undressed me. They pulled my legs apart and – and – I’m so sorry, Estel! I tried to fight them, I swear, but they were too many –”  
Estel looked sick and appalled, everything Legolas had feared. He was tainted, ruined. Legolas braced himself for the inevitable rejection. He should have kept his mouth shut. He should have –   
“Hey. Look at me.” Estel took Legolas’ face in his hands. Legolas gasped desperately for air. “I love you. I will never stop loving you, you understand? This doesn’t change that.”  
Drawing air into his lungs was suddenly a little easier. “You… you aren’t disgusted with me? You aren’t angry with me?”  
“Of course not, meleth nin. My disgust is for those who did this to you. It wasn’t your fault.”  
“It was,” Legolas whispered. “If I hadn’t left the guards…”  
“The men who did this to you bear the blame, and them alone. Valar, Legolas, I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’d give anything to be able to undo it.”  
Despite how reluctant he’d been to talk at first, Legolas now found the words spilling out of his mouth in a torrent. “They took turns. One would put his cock into my mouth while the other would take me from behind. They held my jaw so I couldn’t bite. One of them kept sucking my neck…”  
Estel grabbed the blanket and wrapped it securely around both of them, holding Legolas as he shook. Legolas spoke for a long time, revealing every brutal, terrible detail. When he was finally finished, he laid his head on Estel’s shoulder, exhausted.   
“Thank you for telling me,” Estel said quietly. “I know how hard that must have been for you.”  
“What do I do, Estel? I can’t seem to move on. I’ve been trying – trying so hard – but I just can’t.”  
“You cannot do this alone, meleth nin.”  
“No – I don’t want anyone else to know!”  
“Then we keep it to just me for now. Just tell me what you’re thinking – whatever it is, no matter how small or insignificant the thought seems.”  
“I can do that.”  
Estel kissed him on the forehead. “We’ll go as slowly as you need. Just trust me, ok?”  
“I trust you, Estel.”  
They fell asleep in each other’s arms, and for the first time since that horrible night a month ago, Legolas slept without nightmares.


End file.
